GUARD YOUR HEART

The bible says to guard our heart with all diligence because out of it springs the issues of life. This has proved to be beyond true in my experience. Today my concern on guarding heart is not in relation to sin in the heart but on who you allow into your heart.
In the past I allowed this guy into my life for the sake of this piece we’ll call him Ethan, he was a great person to me, in my mind I was on cloud nine, I dreamed of the perfect life with him, now I knew he was possibly not the one but it looked good enough, I told myself I knew I would be possibly hurt but I was going to enjoy the ride, before Ethan I had never cared about anyone, I had never loved anyone so much, i had heart for only Ethan, I looked up to him, he was like God to me, it you ask me I had found love, and it wasn’t totally my fault, Ethan was caring, he made me realize I had the ability to love a person totally and I could trust. I had spent a great part of my life not trusting so when he came and I felt all these I was sure he was the one so I let my guards down and let him in. then somewhere along the line trouble came and he left me. His leaving hurt me not as much as his replacing me with other girls, he left me in the cold and my heart was hurt. The problem now isn’t his leaving but what his leaving has turned me into. I’m no longer the loving or caring person I was trying to be, I’m worse off, before him I was learning to care but after him I don’t even ever want to care or love because I keep feeling like everyone I love would leave me, I have more trouble trusting because the one I trusted let me down. I have grown into a hardened lady because I let the wrong person in.  But it’s not fair and I know but I can’t shake the insecurity away I’m pained and in my pain I keep transferring the pain to as many people I meet, I see a circle of pain and it’s because I let my guard down.  It’s a pity that whoever I would end up marrying may have a lot to deal with because I didn’t guard my heart, it’s been a while but the pain is still there, we never dated but his closeness had me and his leaving crushed me, it was one of those pseudo-relationships and he was a church nigga!
People guard your heart, be watchful who you let in, don’t let your feeling cause you to hurt. I wrote in my journal “if I give all that is meant for dear future hubby to another man what would be left for him when he comes?” sometimes I’m tempted to think there is something so intrinsically, uncontrollably evil about men that makes it so easy for them to act the way they do, the unsaved ones treating women wrong and the church dudes pretending and shredding hearts so conveniently. Whatever it is about them I don’t know but I am certainly sure there are a few good men.