THANKFUL!!!

A few hours after I finished writing this piece to scream out my hearts gratitude to God, mom returned from work with news that a friend to the family had stopped breathing, my siblings and I stood praying hoping for a miracle few hours later daddy called with the news we'd been dreading and before we knew his death certificate was all we had. I wondered why God let him go we prayed for him to be healed and free, but I understand now that he's free well free than we'd ever imagined. He was set free never to know pain again. I thank God for him. So that won't hinder my gratitude cos I know God z got him.
Here’s something i do all the time i write about how faithful and kind God has been to me and how thankful i am for all he’s been doing, it was on my mind to do that also today but on waking up this morning i realized i had no reason to be thankful for, first i woke up with a headache and serious cold, second there was no light so i’d have to be bored all day, oh and did i forget to  add my laptop crashed recently which has just ruined a lot for me, i mean my laptop is the bestest thing i love, i could live without everything but not my laptop, my laptop is my first born, my personal baby, the only something i love, its really my special something, plus my big daddy and my spiritual father has been transferred from my reach not just one oh two of them. For all these and many more reasons i have no reason to be thankful.
  But let me shock my stupidity all these are reasons why i should be thankful, i woke up with headaches i should be thankful that my body system functions properly and it’s able to communicate stimulus and feelings even if that feeling is PAIN! A whole lot of people have lost the ability to feel and would pay to just feel anything again, I should be thankful that each time i know pain its another opportunity for God to show himself again as the healer in my life, i should be thankful that even with the headache i can stand up have breakfast, put on my makeup and brush my hair, people my age and even younger die daily but even when pain is so much on me my keeper didn’t see it fit to take me away, i should be grateful! I should be thankful i have eyes to see and even know when there is light or not, i should be thankful i have a home, if i didn’t have one would i even be concerned about light?, i’m thankful i could sleep and wake up, i’m thankful for my mind because i have the mind of Christ, i’m thankful for the creative power God has endowed me with and caused me to write, i’m thankful for my laptop(my special something) it’s been my companion through a lot of times in my life, i’m thankful for my family i’m not sure how much i could have taken without them and I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learnt from being with them, i’m thankful for my friends and special parents much as they’ve been transferred I’m thankful God let me know them, i’m thankful for another special family i have at school Worship house family, my heart swells with love for them, I’m thankful for the times I’ve had to cry, ehn ehn did you know tears wash the eyes?(yinmu i’m just saying o), so each time I cry its God washing my eyes so I could see what's next, I’m thankful for love, I’m thankful for my bible, I’m thankful for my fingers the ones i use to type daily they never get tired and they seem to get faster daily, i’m thankful for my eyes they are beautifully big, I’m thankful for my hair its not as long as that of that girl in that Indian movie but its not falling out because I’m suffering from cancer, I’m thankful i have God, i’m thankful i’m not scared anymore, I’m thankful i have a friend i could really disturb (I’d write your name if you’d never see this but I have no guarantee, but if you do see this I’m sure you’d know it’s you :P), I’m thankful there is God and he is no man, and most I’m thankful for God’s plans for my life, they are beautiful I know that well. For these and many more reasons i am indeed thankful.
What about you? Thankful or not?

LOST IN BAR BEACH

I remembered an incidence from when I was a little child, myself my mom and my elder sister had gone to bar beach at Lagos with a family friend, I didn’t like horses at the time so while every other person was having fun with the horses I sat with mom  at the shore  everything was going fine until mom went to get something for me from our picnic bag and as she left the waves started coming towards me now anyone who knows me knows I could be really fearful and when I’m scared I literally lose my mind, here’s what I did I got up and ran as far as I could from the waves, as I ran from the waves I ran from my family(the people I was supposed to be with) as well as where mom had put me to sit. Mom went to get something for me and came back and couldn’t find me she got worried and was searching like crazy for me, while me? I had no idea i was even lost, mom found me among some wannabe musicians at the beach with their banjo’s and guitars and playing music for me and me i was drinking fanta and smiling and enjoying the music (lol)
I was trying to catch a little sleep this afternoon when this memory came to mind, i wondered why at first but now I think I understand a little more, like me a whole lot of us are ‘’lost in bar beach’’ in real life and we have no idea we are lot, we saw stuff that scared us or threatened us and we decided we couldn’t face it so we thought to run away, and somehow we’ve run and we’re comfortable where we are like my experience we’re drinking fanta among wannabe singers and dancing to their music. When I think of that experience I just picture what could have happened if mom hadn’t found me at the time she did and night started to draw, my company would have left (obviously none of them would have taken me home) and then what next?  Or if one of them decided to take me home I wonder what I’d be today I’d possibly be one chic shaking my bum on a music video or something. Now let’s come to real life a lot of people are enjoying false companionship because they are scared of being forever lonely, some are settling for a life of falsehood because they are scared of who they are, unfortunately night is gon come soon and everyone who we’ve found false company with would find their way home and we’d be torn between two options either to go to the home of another (which shouldn’t be our home) or to go back to where we’ve run from and try to find our way back. I think it’s about time for us to evaluate or lives and be sure of where we are, because those who are not supposed to be with you until forever can’t be with you until forever and when they leave you’re still gon have to go back to whatever it is you’ve run from to get your forever. For me I was lost in bar beach and i was found real early so I’m way lucky but it’s worse to be lost in life. Don’t ever give fear the upper hand and have fear cause you to get lost in life.
                                                                                                                                                Lots of love
                                                                                                                                                       Busayo

I’M NO GOOD

I’m no good
When I say I’m no good
I don’t mean I’m like evil
I’m not the practical bad person
I’m just no good
Unattractive, ugly, needy, messy,
Hard hearted, unkind, stupid, untalented,
So you see I’m not bad I’m just no good
And because I’m no good I needed a compliment
Just a compliment! “Maybe it was going to make
Me feel good” I thought
So I started to search I gave my heart to everyone who came by
In exchange for a compliment, just someone to say I was beautiful
No I didn’t want “hot” I didn’t want to be called “sexy”
I wanted beautiful! Was that too much to ask??
But I remember quite a few “you’re just there” or “you’re not really ugly”
And worse “you’re ugly” but no one ever said pretty or beautiful.
I wasn’t going to give up, there had to be someone out there who thought I was special
So I continued to give my heart to all until there was no more heart ‘cause everyone I
Gave me to ripped a piece of my heart and fed it to the pigs, I watched in horror as pigs fed on my heart
How bad could it be that only pigs would want my heart.
And then I met him, he sure had to have a compliment somewhere in all his cuteness
I wanted to give me to him for a compliment, but there was nothing left of me
Except for a torn and mess in place of a heart, and a sick and disfigured body.
But he loved me that way, even when I didn’t love him, he loved me anyway
And now I was willing to give me to him, he wanted me, he was willing to take
My messed up heart as an offering ‘cause I had nothing to bring to the altar
He not only took the heart he HEALED the heart, he didn’t give me the compliment I wanted
He gave me a lot more than a compliment.
The HE who created my inmost being, who knit me together in my mother's womb.
The one who made me fearfully and wonderfully, the one who says I’m incredibly special!
He’s the HE, the KING, the I AM, the FRIEND, the LOVE and the one who lives inside of me!
I’m no good still, but now he who is all good lives on my inside and that is all I need.
I’m no good yet but I’m certainly great and more I’m kingdom!

IN SEARCH OF WATER

Sometime last month I returned from class really thirsty, I didn’t care to look around me for water i immediately asked my roommate if she had any water, she said she didn’t, I checked my purse and realised I didn’t have any money in it, I tried to remember what I did with the last money I had in there couldn’t remember so I had to  borrow money from my roommate to buy water, I went to get water lo and behold the room where they sold water was locked, I was too thirsty to wait for these who sold stuff there to return so I started the journey in search of water I went two block ahead i couldn’t get, I came back and went two blocks behind my block and I didn’t get either I returned to my room a little sad but mostly frustrated! On getting to my room I lay on my bed almost depressed and let my eyes wander on its own accord somehow I strayed to my table and on it were three sachets of water,  smh I can’t even describe the pain I felt in that moment! First I became a beggar I had to beg for 10 naira, after the begging I became a wanderer like Cain; all because I needed the water I already had in excess. How pathetic!

   It’s not limited to just me it’s how a whole lot of us are, I’m just the sacrificial lamb sharing my story. Last year I did the Dear Boaz series on the blog (if you’ve not read that you should totally check the archives), the last piece I did there was the story of how the writer eventually met her partner, he turned out to be someone she’d been really close to someone she’d shared her most confidential stuff with, someone who’d even set her up on dates and hooked her up with guys. Its how a lot of us really are, we realise or feel like we need something we fail to look around us, we fail to see those things inside us we’re up and quick to go out, to search, to hustle, and stuff. Worse is we come back frustrated, depressed, unfulfilled and unsatisfied fact is we can never be. I’m not sure what it is for you that you’ve been looking out for some singles its possibly a partner and you’ve been looking all out but your partner could be that person you’re so yourself with the one you gist and gossip with about everything, your work buddy, the person next door and you’re busy travelling all over west Africa to attend every wedding and party hoping he’ll be there (take it easy oh! Ebola is real lol oh and not every close friend/neighbour is your potential partner you friend zone worse still brother/sister zone oh! Hold  me for what i wrote and not what you understand :D)  for some of us its stuff we really want to do and we feel we need money so we’re out looking for who’s just gon come drop a million dollar at you feet. Really!

       My bible tells me that God has given to me all I need for life and Godliness, what this means to me is every single thing I need to live, to live right, to enjoy life, to achieve my dreams, to succeed, to be happy and to be godly has been made available and in locked up in me by God all I need do is look inside of me, there’s something in me if I use would give me all the money I need to live, there’s people around me I need in my life but I’m too busy looking out for a knight in shining armour (who puts on a shinning amour sef) and if I don’t look closely I’d pass up on everything  I need just cos I’m too busy looking out. Just before you look how ‘bout you look in.

                                                                                                                                                            Lots of love

                                                                                                                                                        Busayo Kehinde

HOPE

Hi guys its been forever! this post has been ready for over a week but due to circumstances beyond me i couldnt put it up, but its better late than never. lots of love

31^st August 2012

10:00 am

  I’ve been up since 5am praying, hoping for a miracle in a few hours I’ll be wheeled into the theatre for what would be my 4^th surgery unfortunately its going to be one of the most traumatic ones and  I’ll return from theatre with a scar. At about 10am the nurse walks in, gives me the blue OR dress few minutes late she comes in with a plaster my name, age and details of the surgery is written on the plaster and its taped to my hand like a wrist watch possibly in case I die or I’m disfigured beyond recognition there’ll be the identity, I sat on the bed listening to Lara George’s “Emi a rire” something about that song gave me hope so I listened to it and replayed over and over the part of the song that says “ iku ole pa mi translated “death cannot kill me and no matter what  the pain that I feel I know there’s no mistake” at about 10:30 the theatre attendant come to take me to the theatre, the journey to the theatre was possibly the longest I’d ever embarked on, in the 5 minutes it took us to get to the theatre memories of the whole 16 years I’d spent on earth flashed before me, and I knew my family would be changed forever if I didn’t make it and before I knew it I had tears streaming down my eyes I took one last look at the outside world, gave mom a shaky smile through my tears one last time and then I was taken into the theatre, in the theatre several machines were connected to various parts of my body and a mask was placed over my nose for me to take in the oxygen, I was told to count my numbers from one to ten “1,2,3,4,5,6….,..7….. that was the last I said before I lost consciousness…………….

31^st August 2012

6:00pm

I woke up to the smell of blood and there was pain real pain, painkillers were being injected into my body to kill the pain, the pain was less physical, the physical pain was secondary and very bearable my heart was huer, my soul and spirit were broken and no amount of pain killers could heal that! I opened my eyes and saw mom, I was late wheeled back to the ward I never saw how I looked until three days later.

2 years on……………..

31^st August 2012

It’s exactly two years since that horrid Thursday morning, my life has never again been the same there have been pain, post surgical abscesses, there’s been pain there’s been allergies there’s been struggle, but above it all there’s been healing, my life has never been the same again and may never be same again but for the most part it’s been positive change, today I’m thankful for the pains because if not for them how would I have known God as my healer, my peace and my defense, it’s not been an easy route but it’s been worth it, like my bible says in psalm 30:5 “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning” there’s been the nights of weeping but finally there’s joy. Yes in our lives there would be pain and we can decide to haphazardly move through life and bear it all alone or we could got to Jesus and believe he’s going to walk with us through it all above all let our hope lie in the fact that after the pain would come the healing and he wont just heal the physical body he’ll heal the soul and finally the spirit also. And yes God is always in control, he’s bigger and always king over our lives.  If only we’ll be patient enough and HOPE! Today I could safely say if I could go back to years before today there’s nothing I would pray to change, because without all of it I would never have grown, known all I know now or even be close to who I am today.

                                                                                                                                              Lots of love

                                                                                                                                           Busayo Kehinde